1
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,440
Well, that was fun.

2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,776
Too bad nobody told us
the movie was rated, suck.

3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,878
OK, so I picked
the wrong movie.

4
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,180
At least the dog was cute.

5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,548
The dog died half way through.

6
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:15,749
lucky bastard.

7
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,552
Oh look, Carter, the
newlyweds are quarreling.

8
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,388
Yeah, at least it's more
entertaining than Chuck

9
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:21,289
and Chloe.

10
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,756
Yeah, tell me about it.

11
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,558
Jessie and Tom could
be this generation's,

12
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,294
"When Harry Met Sally".

13
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,628
Tom and Jessie.

14
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:28,729
Whatever.

15
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,099
You said, Jessie and
Tom, but, you know,

16
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,900
when you talk about
couples, typically

17
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,102
the guy is listed first.

18
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:35,169
That's not true.

19
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,404
Yeah, It is.

20
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,172
Look at all the great
couples, Syd and Nancy, Brad

21
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:39,940
and Angelina, Batman and Robin.

22
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,942
Yeah, that's not how
things felt with you, dude.

23
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,877
Oh, Ava sits up front.

24
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,713
But she doesn't know
the way to the rib place.

25
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,648
Oh, didn't we tell
you, we're doing sushi.

26
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:48,982
What?

27
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,752
No, Tom said that we are going
to Lester's House of Ribs.

28
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,087
I brought my wet naps.

29
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,288
My car, my call.

30
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,524
Our car, or did you
forget that I paid for half?

31
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,926
Yeah, but I'm the one with
the driver's license, sweetie.

32
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,329
Which, when you think about it,
puts me in the driver's seat.

33
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,402
At least, Robin, had a say
in dinner, once in a while.

34
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,205
To the sushi cave, Batman.

35
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,072
TOM: Ow.

36
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,545
[theme music]

37
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,245
I need 600 bucks.

38
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,480
Good morning, works too.

39
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,581
It's for school.

40
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,115
School for con artists?

41
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,151
Money's a bit tight
right now, I promise

42
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,887
I will pay you back in full.

43
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:04,525
OK, it's for driving lessons.

44
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,060
I told you Tom, driving
lessons are a sham,

45
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,563
like recycling and
universal health care.

46
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:10,964
Let me teach you.

47
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,367
After what happened last time?

48
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,302
Rear view.

49
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:15,203
Driver's side.

50
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:16,537
Passenger.

51
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,772
But the manual says check
your mirrors every 10 seconds.

52
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,174
Death travels
faster than that son.

53
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,242
Rear view.

54
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,343
Driver side.

55
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,244
Rear view.

56
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,612
Passenger.

57
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,014
Actually, I meant the other
thing that happened last time.

58
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,449
Oh, for heaven's sakes.

59
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,351
Are you still going
on about that?

60
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,653
Come on, son, buck
up, get over it.

61
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,422
Or do want your wife to
chauffeur you around forever.

62
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,191
Well, when you put it that
way, doesn't sound so bad.

63
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,393
A license puts you
in the driver's seat,

64
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,761
in more ways than one.

65
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,863
It's the kind of thing that
keeps a man like me in charge.

66
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,798
Feet, off the table.

67
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:45,866
Sorry, hun.

68
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,001
The point is, you
can't let one incident

69
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,737
affect the rest of your life.

70
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,239
You gotta face the
problem head on.

71
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,941
Why do you think I'm
hitting you up for cash?

72
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,309
Well, I'm not
paying for something

73
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,677
I can do better myself.

74
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,379
That's what you said
about the plumbing.

75
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,281
I haven't had a hot
shower in 97 days.

76
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:04,485
Well, cold showers
build character.

77
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:05,853
TARA: How do we want our news?

78
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:08,389
Love to hate, or
preaching to the choir.

79
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:09,523
Can you put it on 22?

80
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,791
I want to check the
score of the game.

81
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,494
OK, let's go
with love to hate.

82
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,828
Honey, the score.

83
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,665
But I need my daily
dose of anger and outrage.

84
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:19,667
How come you always
end up with the remote?

85
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,102
Cause your hands
get too greasy, honey.

86
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,872
Oh, I hate this guy.

87
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,141
Perfect.

88
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:37,785
They still make
porn in hard copy?

89
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,187
Uhm, studying
for a history exam.

90
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,590
Then why the driving manual.

91
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,759
It's for-- history of the car.

92
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:49,096
Oh my god, you are not letting
your father teach you to drive.

93
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:51,532
First of all,
how do you do that?

94
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,834
And second, I don't really
have any other choice.

95
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,336
Actually, you do.

96
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:56,770
I can teach you.

97
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,238
It'll be like that time
I taught you to ride

98
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,308
a bike, minus the tears.

99
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,375
I don't need your help Jess.

100
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,644
Is this about what
I said about my car?

101
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,912
Our car.

102
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,014
It was my cousin who sold
it to us, so if anything,

103
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,015
it's more mine than yours.

104
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,450
I know wouldn't
have Rizzo and Putzie.

105
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,718
Ah, and that's another thing.

106
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,953
Real men don't name their
cars after supporting

107
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,021
characters from Grease.

108
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,224
In fact, real men
don't name their cars.

109
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,992
What's gotten into you?

110
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,029
I'm only offering to
teach you how to drive.

111
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:22,930
I've got it, Jess.

112
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:35,075
What are we hiding this time?

113
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:38,446
Nothing, actually,
it's just reflexes.

114
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,147
What's that?

115
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,048
Ah.

116
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,215
It's a present for your mom.

117
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,451
It's called a Uni-click.

118
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,753
A universal remote
so complicated,

119
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,855
only I will be
able to control it.

120
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,257
What is it with
men and control?

121
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,493
Trouble in Tom Town?

122
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:55,028
He's letting Ben
teach him to drive.

123
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,866
Ben, as in, "turns lawyers
into quivering babies", Ben.

124
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,468
Well, everyone has an upside.

125
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,402
You're missing the point.

126
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:02,970
Why can't he just turn to me?

127
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,905
Maybe he's embarrassed
that he needs a girl

128
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,440
to help him with guy stuff.

129
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,175
This is the 21st century.

130
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,578
You have to admit, your
driver's license does give

131
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,079
you more pull in this marriage.

132
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,014
So I'm supposed to
give him the upper hand?

133
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,416
No, sweetie.

134
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,352
The trick is, you make him think
he has the upper hand while you

135
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:21,789
subtly control him, remotely.

136
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,657
I remember this one time
I wanted to play poker

137
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,626
with the boys, and
your mother and I were

138
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,327
painting the kitchen that day.

139
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:30,197
So I said, I wanted
a different color.

140
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:33,166
Bermuda teal, or
was it Barracuda?

141
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,469
Since when do you
care about ambiance?

142
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,638
Since I realized, I
need to bring something

143
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,407
to the negotiating table.

144
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,742
In the end, I got my poker game.

145
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,379
All because I let her "win" one.

146
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,848
And why not just
be honest with mom?

147
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,018
You have to handle this
control stuff with kid gloves.

148
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:53,387
You have no idea what lengths
some people will go to.

149
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,759
We're not moving.

150
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,328
I see that.

151
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,230
What do you think
the problem might be?

152
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,297
Clutch.

153
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,033
No, you're on the clutch.

154
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:12,105
How about the handbrake.

155
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,206
My color coded system, remember.

156
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,107
Yup.

157
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,008
There you go.

158
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,309
Right.

159
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:17,210
Oh.

160
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:25,886
Mmhmm.

161
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,588
We're good.

162
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,190
Good first try.

163
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,659
I appreciate you
being so patient.

164
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:36,464
Ah, no, no, we've grown a lot
over the last few years, you

165
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,999
and I, huh?

166
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:39,900
Can you smell that?

167
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,268
That burning?

168
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,537
It's the smell of a transmission
pleading for it's life!

169
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,106
I can't change gears
when you're yelling at me.

170
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,675
I'm not yelling!

171
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:50,210
Handbrake, handbrake--
for the love of god!

172
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,848
Had you consulted my
color coded system--

173
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:57,084
Ah, your Color coded
system makes no sense.

174
00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:01,054
OK, the air vent is the
same color as the handbrake.

175
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,255
Oh, that's it.

176
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,156
That's it.

177
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,925
Walk away.

178
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,393
I guess you have no
interest in getting over

179
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:07,828
that time you slammed into--

180
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,797
We said we would
never mention that.

181
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,164
And I wouldn't have
slammed into anything

182
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,334
if you hadn't been yelling!

183
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,268
Well, where are you going?

184
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,403
You gonna run home to wifey?

185
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:17,437
No.

186
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,139
I don't need her,
don't need you, OK.

187
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,809
There's lots of people
who could teach me.

188
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,878
We don't believe in fostering
a new generation of drivers.

189
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,179
I'd sooner shotgun Drano.

190
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,080
What am I?

191
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:27,981
Your dad?

192
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:31,785
Just got a DUI, again.

193
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:35,589
My license is only valid
in crude oil based economies.

194
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:36,490
I'm 12.

195
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,904
Look at you, staring
at the steering wheel

196
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,405
all psychotic like.

197
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,207
I'm glad my pain so amuses.

198
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,249
What's going on Tom?

199
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,017
Why is this thing such an issue?

200
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,085
You wouldn't understand.

201
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,721
I'm your wife, try me.

202
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:13,426
When my dad taught me how to
drive, there was an incident.

203
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,296
- You ran over your mother.
- Worse.

204
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,666
Is a 25 foot pole
not big enough?

205
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,033
I know what I'll do.

206
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,435
I'll call the city, and I'll
have them install 50 foot poles

207
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,771
and maybe you'll see that.

208
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,105
Oh, I know what it
was, perhaps, you

209
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,807
were trying to go through
the hydrant and the pole,

210
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:27,875
and you missed.

211
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,142
TOM (VOICE OVER): I
crashed into a pole,

212
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,545
outside Cindy McLaren's house.

213
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,413
I had such a big crush on her.

214
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,948
You know all that red hair.

215
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,216
JESSIE: It's a dye job.

216
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,718
TOM (VOICE OVER): All
her friends were there,

217
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,954
and pointing and laughing.

218
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,323
It was the most humiliating
moment of my life.

219
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,626
Well, whatever
complex, you may have,

220
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:46,994
I'll help you through it.

221
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:47,895
I can't.

222
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,229
I can't.

223
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,163
I need more time.

224
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,231
No.

225
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,967
You need more space.

226
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:54,968
Why not Siberia?

227
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,604
It'd be less desolate.

228
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,238
This is where
my dad taught me.

229
00:08:58,338 --> 00:08:59,439
To stash bodies.

230
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,708
Shut up, and get it.

231
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,849
Easy there, Earnhardt.

232
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,684
Clutch down and into first.

233
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:11,685
Slow, OK.

234
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,024
Gentlemen, start your engines.

235
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:26,767
12th time's the charm.

236
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,169
Gentlemen, start your engines.

237
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,174
Good.

238
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,508
OK.

239
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,977
Good, go to the left.

240
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,946
TOM: Yeah.

241
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,948
Yee-haw.

242
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:41,915
Not bad.

243
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,385
Thank you.

244
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,855
Hey.

245
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,857
TOM: I believe that's
called a U-turn.

246
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:53,794
Over that way.

247
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,263
Maybe to the left.

248
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:57,430
I am man.

249
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,799
Man of car.

250
00:09:58,899 --> 00:09:59,800
I am late.

251
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,402
Late of class.

252
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:05,038
But tonight, we'll
celebrate your driving thing

253
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,241
by eating greasy meat
products with our fingers.

254
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,877
Oh, hey, why don't I
pick up some of those

255
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,011
ribs you like from Lester's?

256
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,780
I've never loved you
more than right now.

257
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,347
Oh, no wait, scratch that.
I have yoga tonight.

258
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,548
Can you pick up
falafels instead?

259
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,751
Falafels are for girlie boys.

260
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,919
I'll pick up the ribs.

261
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,154
Yes, but you can't
drive yet, sweetie.

262
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,422
Let's stick with the
falafels, they're

263
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:23,423
within walking distance.

264
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,457
Love you.

265
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:25,358
Love you.

266
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,305
[music playing]

267
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,755
[horn]

268
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:55,756
[driver] Moron!

269
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,095
Just gonna back her up.

270
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:11,939
Oh, no.

271
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,343
OK.

272
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,645
Tom, relax.

273
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,680
You can figure this out.

274
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,415
Well, I guess you'll
have to tell her.

275
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,683
I may as well have
myself neutered.

276
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,320
I'm sorry, man.

277
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,589
I got nothing.

278
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,324
Wait.

279
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,893
Something's coming.

280
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,061
Hold on.

281
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,195
Don't talk.

282
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,263
Here it is.

283
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,398
Yes.

284
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:39,632
Dead simple.

285
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,501
This way she won't see it.

286
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,702
Great.

287
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,104
You bought me all of 20 seconds.

288
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,339
Yeah, and you say I
never do anything for you.

289
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,212
OK, how do I get back
to the last channel?

290
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,613
Bottom left.

291
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,714
No, it says zoom.

292
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,883
That's when you're
in movie mode.

293
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:56,950
You're in TV mode, babe.

294
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,886
OK, so how do I go
to favorites, then?

295
00:11:58,986 --> 00:11:59,787
Just press mute.

296
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,989
OK, then, what is mute?

297
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,524
Mute, is now menu, unless
you're in music mode, in which

298
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,794
case it becomes skip forward.

299
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,361
OK, you know what, you do it.

300
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:09,396
Are you sure?

301
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,498
Yeah, If your hands
aren't too greasy.

302
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:12,800
You'll get used to it.

303
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402
Everything's been custom
designed for easy thumb access,

304
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,137
pending what system we're using.

305
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,907
Watch me find favorites
without even looking.

306
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,877
I've only had time to
program one channel.

307
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,079
But it's sports.

308
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,414
Oh, so it is.

309
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,016
ANNOUNCER 1 (ON TV): He's
going a long way, a long way.

310
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,383
ANNOUNCER 2 (ON TV) Absolutely.

311
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,852
ANNOUNCER 1 (ON TV): This kid
here, he's bigger than life,

312
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,187
I tell ya.

313
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,722
Jessie, there's
something I need to--

314
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,957
Whatever it is can wait.

315
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,625
My prof kept me after class
and I'm late for yoga,

316
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:39,893
and I totally forgot my mat.

317
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,333
I'm taking the car
please, [inaudible],,

318
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,567
I'll be back at 10:00.

319
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,894
Maybe just tell her the
truth, she'll understand.

320
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,666
Idiot, parking attendant.

321
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:20,567
Look at me.

322
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:21,634
I watch cars.

323
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:22,669
I have uniform.

324
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:23,937
How could he not
see this happen?

325
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,605
Too busy writing his screenplay.

326
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,506
What's going on?

327
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:30,177
This is what's going on.

328
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,578
Oh.

329
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,446
I've been meaning
to tell you, see--

330
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,915
wait, parking attendant?
Turn

331
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,016
If you can call him that.

332
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,284
I. Can't believe
this guy gets paid.

333
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,952
Look in our car!

334
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,320
So this happened at yoga?

335
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:43,123
Well, where else would
this have happened?

336
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:48,028
Some people are so careless.

337
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,662
I'm going to make it all
better, I'm going to get

338
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:50,697
those falalfels you wanted.

339
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:51,598
OK.

340
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:56,803
REPORTER (ON TV): So sheek.

341
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,005
She looked fabulous.

342
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,341
She was absolutely--

343
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:04,144
Mmm, looks delicious.

344
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,578
A little higher, honey.

345
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,650
You're the best.

346
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:20,327
TARA: So, how long are you
going to let this go on for?

347
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,763
Until he admits he crashed
my car and then lied about it.

348
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,698
Meanwhile, you're milking
him for all the back rubs

349
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,134
and falafels you can get?

350
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,468
Is that bad?

351
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,370
Actually, no.

352
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:34,174
There's nothing wrong with
a little manipulation.

353
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,076
I remember this one
time, your father

354
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,979
and I had a fight over what
color to paint the kitchen.

355
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,282
I wanted Cabana Green,
he wanted Bermuda teal.

356
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,451
I needed something from
the negotiating table.

357
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:45,685
Oh, really.

358
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:49,957
Yeah, so, I made him
think that I didn't want him

359
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,424
playing poker that
night, even though I

360
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,892
was dying for some alone time.

361
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,428
In the end, I got
my Cabana Green.

362
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,864
All because I let him win one.

363
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,066
Devious.

364
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:02,669
No, necessary.

365
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:06,206
You want control, you
have to be smart about it.

366
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,041
Like the way dad
controls the remote?

367
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,743
Like the way he thinks
he controls the remote.

368
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,012
Check it out, honey.

369
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,681
I just PVR'd you the
Eco Channel marathon,

370
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,250
the Naomi Klein documentary,
and every episode

371
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,952
of The Nature of Things.

372
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,120
And you thought
I couldn't handle

373
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,154
your viewing schedule, huh?

374
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,726
You're the man.

375
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:28,628
God, I rock.

376
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:29,997
OK.

377
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,432
So, Jessie, knows that you're
the one who smashed the car,

378
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,867
but she made up this whole
story about this parking lot

379
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:38,138
attendant to make you
think, that she thinks,

380
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:39,672
that it was someone else.

381
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,041
You know, thereby
increasing your guilt.

382
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,109
Why would she do that?

383
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,476
She's playing you, man.

384
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:44,377
What?

385
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,378
She is not.

386
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,379
Oh really?

387
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:47,680
Look at you.

388
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,450
Making her dinner, washing
her car, doing her shopping.

389
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,552
Jessie's not the
game playing type.

390
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,620
You're way off base.

391
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,554
Am I?

392
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,589
Just think about it man.

393
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:59,192
Look, she knew that you were
going to get this license.

394
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,693
She needed a counterbalance.

395
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,029
No.

396
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,332
I'm getting the groceries
because she's busy at school.

397
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:06,733
And for the record,
I buy what I want.

398
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:07,634
See?

399
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,040
Jessie prefers wholegrain kamut.

400
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,478
Oh, man, I'm so whipped.

401
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:19,479
OK.

402
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:20,980
You don't nip this
in the butt, she's

403
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,282
going to stop respecting you.

404
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:23,450
It's bud.

405
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,219
'd'

406
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,088
I think it's butt, OK.

407
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,289
Thanks.

408
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,758
Look, the point is,
that girls secretly

409
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,226
want their men in control.

410
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,998
I thought I asked for kamut?

411
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,500
Ah, change of plans.

412
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,970
Since, Putzie is going to the
shop, and we're cabbing it,

413
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,206
I just realized all the
cab money comes from my job

414
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:47,640
at the juice bar.
- So?

415
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,109
So you got no
cash flow, sweetie,

416
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,978
which, if you think about it,
puts me in the driver's seat.

417
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:54,281
Have you been
sniffing car wax?

418
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,982
I've arranged the
chores by color.

419
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,417
Tried to divi them up fairly.

420
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,486
Oh, my god, you've
co-opted Ben's color

421
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:00,553
coded training system.

422
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,322
Well, somebody's
gotta take the reins.

423
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,723
How can you take
the reins, when

424
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,859
you don't even have the lug nuts
to admit you trashed my car.

425
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,561
Ah, so you admit
you were playing me.

426
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,163
I was protecting you.

427
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,398
I didn't want you to freak out.

428
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:12,465
Why would I freak out?

429
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,367
You've been so
sensitive lately.

430
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:15,535
Not asking me for help.

431
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,305
And that story
about Cindy McLaren.

432
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,672
I can't believe
I ever told you.

433
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,541
I can't believe I
married such a girl.

434
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:28,448
It was better when I
thought you were playing me.

435
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,349
Don't ask.

436
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,721
Did you and
Jesse have a fight?

437
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,690
Oh, come on, Tom,
it's kind of obvious.

438
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,359
We Bellows have a
tendency to clean

439
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,727
during moments of tension.

440
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:44,397
Is that why our house
is always so spotless?

441
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,566
This is about you, Tom.

442
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,935
For what it's worth, I say,
you should have paid attention

443
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,137
to your father's color--

444
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:52,905
If you say, color and
coded in close proximity,

445
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,207
I'm going to scream.

446
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:04,951
Still blaming your father?

447
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:08,188
His system made me dizzy, he
wouldn't stop yelling at me.

448
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,423
Whatever you say, honey.

449
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,225
What do you mean?

450
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,093
When you crashed in
front of that girl's house,

451
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,495
why do you think your
father told everyone

452
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,464
he got dinged at the mall?

453
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,199
Insurance purposes.

454
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,333
Besides that.

455
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,002
He was toying with me.

456
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,104
Try covering for you.

457
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:30,410
But, it was his
fault. Wasn't it?

458
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,644
I think you missed a spot.

459
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,185
Dad?

460
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,086
Since when is your
poker game back on?

461
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:43,390
Since I realized your mother
was controlling the TV again.

462
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,359
I figured, why not capitalize
and bring back poker night.

463
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,527
Come on, Phil.

464
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,995
Something you
wanted to ask me?

465
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:52,532
I think I just figured it out.

466
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,435
- OK, fellas, ante up.
- Damn birds.

467
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:58,638
How come they never defecate
on their own property?

468
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,174
I didn't crash in front
of Cindy McLaren house

469
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:04,711
because you were
yelling at me, did I?

470
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,778
No.

471
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,580
You were trying to
look cool for some girl

472
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,649
and did a bang up
job, so to speak.

473
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,251
And you let me?

474
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,119
Oh, I did more than let you.

475
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,255
I ducked down in the seat
beside you, like you asked

476
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,490
me to, as you whizzed past.

477
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,492
And then, I slammed
into the pole.

478
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,131
Why did you let me off?

479
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:29,369
Well, I figured your ego got
kicked around enough that day.

480
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,571
Plus, I know that men
can do stupid things

481
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,506
when it comes to women.

482
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,174
I'll always remember
growing my hair long once,

483
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,877
for a certain Melanie Simms.

484
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,146
The most awkward
12 days of my life.

485
00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:43,082
The things we do for our gals.

486
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,318
Gals of the past, and present.

487
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,630
I see you found my
girlie man hideout.

488
00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,967
Grab an herbal tea, we're
about to watch, "The Notebook."

489
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,737
My parents think deception
is good for a marriage.

490
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,038
We're in pretty
good shape, then.

491
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,408
If something's going on,
Tom, I want to hear it.

492
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,077
I know I'm an idiot, but
most guys my age are stuck

493
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,680
at wedgies and penis jokes.

494
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,047
You told a penis
joke at breakfast.

495
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,317
But it was wedgie free, right?

496
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,552
So I'm a little
insecure, but you

497
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:26,426
deserve like a rock star, or
a lawyer, or, you know, a man.

498
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,896
Is-- is that, stubble?

499
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,097
You always know what to say.

500
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:39,439
You know what would
really prove your manhood?

501
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,207
Doing it cowboy style.

502
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,009
Oh.

503
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:44,577
It's called the
Texas Peel-out,

504
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,878
my uncle taught it to me.

505
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,514
You pump the gas, while
keeping the brake on,

506
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,715
then you just let her rip.

507
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,116
Are you sure about this.

508
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,851
Yeah, as long as
your folks are out,

509
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,119
no one will be the wiser.

510
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:54,587
We need more room,
tho, so back her up.

511
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:01,961
OK.

512
00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:04,331
eyes on the road.
You ready?

513
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:05,231
Ready.

514
00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:11,270
Here we go.

515
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,171
Yee-haw.

516
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,172
Yee-haw.

517
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,508
[crash]

518
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:23,883
Well, look at the bright side,
matching dents, front and back.

519
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:25,518
Plus, now the Putzie's
a write off, that's

520
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,086
one more car off the road.

521
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,855
Pedal power,
way of the future.

522
00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,927
Nicely done there, Crash.

523
00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:36,095
This isn't funny, Dad.

524
00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:37,730
I really can't afford
this right now.

525
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:40,132
Ah, don't worry about it,
son, I've got it covered.

526
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:41,534
You're going to pay for it?

527
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:45,438
No, no, no, no, but I can help
you get your savings in order.

528
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:47,807
Listen, have you ever heard
about my colored coded

529
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,942
financial planning system?

530
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:52,679
[theme music]

531
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:57,279
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